Chapter 26 - The End

That all im going to tell you about. I could go into when I went home and how I got ill and all, but I don’t feel like it right now. People keep asking me if im going to apply myself when I go back to school, especially this one psychoanalyst. But how do I know what I going to do until I actually do it.

D.B. isn’t as bad as the rest though. He asked me what I think about it all, about what I just told you. And the truth is, I don’t know what I think about it. Im sorry it old so many people bout it, all I know is I sort of miss the people I told about it. Even old Stradlater and Ackley, I think I even miss that goddam Maurice. Its funny.

Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

Chapter 25 - Carousel With Phoebe

I didn’t no where to go when I left. I didn’t want to go and spend more of Phoebes dough so I went down to Grand Central Station and spent the night on a bench. I didn’t sleep a lot because a million people kept coming in and out of the waiting room. I had a headache and I kept getting worse. I was really depressed and I think I was more depressed than I ever was in my whole life.

I had nothing else to do, and nowhere to go so I thought I would take a walk down Fifth Avenue. All the stores were open so it wouldn’t be too bad. It looked all Christmassy and there were Santa Clause’s on all the corners. I wished old Phoebe was there, she really enjoys it at Christmas. The Christmas before last I took her down to Bloomingdales with me. I was great, we had a helluva time.

I carried on walking all the way down and all of a sudden something spook happened to me. Every time I came to the end of a block and stepped of the goddam curb, I had this feeling that I’d never get to the other side of the street. I though I’d just go down, down, down, and nobody’d ever seen me again. I started begging Allie to help me to the other side of the street, I was shouting “Please Allie please! Don’t let me disappear.”

I decided I would leave New York forever. I would bum a ride and the another and start hitchhiking out West where it was very pretty and sunny an nobody would no me. I figured I could get a job at a filling station. I could pretend to be one of those deaf mutes, that was I would never have to have another conversation for the rest of me life. And if people wanted to speak to me, they would have to write it down on a piece of paper for me to read. I would marry another mute and thing would be pretty quiet all the time.

I got excited as hell about it all, but I would have to tell Phoebe about it. So I went to her school and wrote her a note for he teacher to give her telling her to meet me at the Museum of Art so I could give her the money back that she lent me because I wasn’t sticking around. I knew where her school was because I went there myself when I was young. But when I looked round I saw that some cold hearted bastard has wrote “Fuck you” on the walls. It drove me crazy how Phoebe and all the other children would have to see that at least once a day and wonder what the hell it meant.

I walked over to the Museum, there wasn’t anywhere else to go. I thought I might stop and give Jane a buzz before I started bumming my way west, but I wasn’t in the mood. I showed these two little kids around the mummies exhibition while I was waiting. When came out I had to go to the bathroom because I sort of had diarrhea. On the way out I sort of passed out, I was lucky really because I could have killed myself when I hit the floor, but I landed on my side.

Finally Phoebe arrived, I knew it was her because she had my goddam crazy hunting hat on. She had my old suitcase with her, I told her I wasn’t taking anything with my, but they wasn’t for me, they were for her. She begged me and begged me to let her come with me. I told her there was no way she could some with me. She started getting really annoyed with me.

I told her I changed my mind about going and that I would stick around, I said I’d take her back to school but she wouldn’t go. I bribed her with the zoo, she said she would go back to school the next days if I let her stay with me the rest of the afternoon and we went to the zoo.

So, we walked down to the zoo, me on one side of the road and old Phoeb on the other. When we got to the zoo I shouted to her that I was going in. I started walking down the steps and I looked back and she was crossing over and following behind me. She still wasn’t talking to me, but she was stood with me. We looked at a few animals then we came to a carousel. Old Phoebe loved them. It was playing “Oh, Marie.” I gave her some money to ride it. She wanted me to go with her but I didn’t.

I sat down a bench and watched her go round and round. When she got off she came over to me and wanted me to go on this time with her. She said she wasn’t made at me anymore. I still didn’t ride it thought but I gave her some more money so she could go again.

It started to rain like a bastard. Everybody rushed under the roof of the carousel, but not me. I stuck around o the bench for a while. I got soaking wet. I had my hunting hat on and it gave me a lot of protection, but I got soaked anyway. All of a sudden I started to fell really happy, the way old Phoebe kept going round and around. I was nearly bawling I was so goddam happy. God, I wish you could’ve been there.

Chapter 24 - The Antolinis

When I got to Mr Antolinis he was surprised that it was just me at the door, he said he thought I was going to have a day old infant in my arms. With nowhere to turn. He’s a madman. I think they musta had a dinner party that night or something because there were highballs everywhere. They were always doing things like that the Antolinis, they’re real big entertainers. I could tell he was drunk, he’s quite a heavy drinker these days, and he’ll end up an alcoholic if he doesn’t watch his step.

Mr Antolini asked about Pencey and why I was kicked out and all. He was most interested in my English thought, understandably. I told him I passed, but that I failed in Oral Expression, that stuff drove me crazy.

Mrs Antolini came in with coffee for me; she brought everything, biscuits and all. Then Mr Antolini started to get all serious. He said he was really worried about me. He said “This fall I think you’re riding for – it’s a special kind of fall, a horrible kind.” I had no idea what he was going on about at first, I thought he had got me all wrong, but then I realised what he meant. I think what he was trying to get across was I shouldn’t give everything up before my life even starts, I mean after all im only 16, but its hard.

I like the way Mr Antolini understands me like nobody does, he tells me what to do, without actually telling me what to do. Not like my father, or old Phoeb or D.B. He really has a thing for helping me.

He went over to his desk on the other side of the room. He said he didn’t want to scare me or anything, and he wrote me something on a piece of paper. It said “The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one”. I thanked him and all and put it in my pocket.

I was getting really tired but Mr Antolini wasn’t, probably because he was so oiled up. I could hardly even concentrate anymore and I had to yawn, I know is rude and all but I couldn’t help it. He carried on talking on and on about how I should apply myself at the next school I go to, I really didn’t want to listen so I sort of tuned out. After a while of me not saying anything Mr Antolini realised that I want to interest so he went and got some sheets and blankets and stuff to make a bed for me.

We both made the bed together, it wasn’t great but it was ok just for the night. He asked about Sally Hayes. We didn’t talk for long I was too tired. So he left me to go to sleep.

Then all of a sudden I woke up and I could feel something on my head, a guy’s hand. It scared the hell outta me. Mr Antolini was sat on the floor right next to the couch, in the sake and all, and he was sort of petting me or patting me on the goddam head. I jumped about a thousand feet. I got so nervous and I had to get away from him, I mean what the hell was he doing. So what I did was, it told him I was going to get my bags from the station and that I would go right back, he said my bags would be fine and that I should stay. I didn’t though. I never waited so long for a goddam elevator in my life.

When something perverty like that happens, I start sweating like a bastard. That kind of stuff’s happened to me about twenty times since I was a kid. I can’t stand it.

Chapter 23 - Dancing With Phoebe

So, I told him that I’d flunked out of Pencey. He told me to come over if I felt like it. He was about the best teacher I ever had. He was the one that finally picked up that boy who jumped out of the window I told you about. I’ve got a lot of respect for him. Anyway I went back into DB’s room back to Phoebe, she had the radio on. So I asked her to dance. She was a great dancer, not like your usually kid who dances lousy, shes really good. We danced to a few numbers and then Phoeb heard the front door. I hid in the closet. When mum came in to see her she could smell the smoke, she asked Phoebe about it and she said she’d just tried it because she couldn’t sleep. Mum didn’t mind to much though.

When mum had gone I came back out. I asked Phoebe if she had any dough to lend me, I was getting really low on money. She said I could have her Christmas money, but I couldn’t take that o my kid sister, could I? After a short argument I took the dough, but I started to cry when I took it, and I couldn’t stop.

When I finally did stop I buttoned up my coat and said bye to Phoebe. I gave her my red hunting hat, she likes those crazy sorta hats. I told her I’d give her a buzz if I got a chance.

It was easier getting in than out. I didn’t really care much if mum or dad saw me. I really didn’t. I almost wished they did catch me.

Chapter 22 - If A Body Meet A Body Comin' Through The Rye

When I got back Phoebe had took the pillow of the head alright but she still wouldn’t look at me. I started to explain why I had been kicked out again and why I was failing in all my subjects. She said it was because I hate everything. I told her I didn’t hate everything so she told me to name one thing that I do like. I couldn’t concentrate though, all kept thinking about was the nuns I had seen at breakfast, and a boy at Elkton Hills called James Castle. He jumped out of the window because bullies were forcing him to take back something he had said and he wouldn’t, so they did something terrible to him. Which forced him to plummet to his own death.

Anyway I told Phoebe that I liked Allie. She reminded me that he was dead thought, and she really started to get sore about it. Phoebe then started to talk about what I want to do with my life. I asked her if she knew the song ‘If a body catch a body comin’ through the rye’. She corrected me and told me that it was ‘If a body meet a body’, a poem by Robert Burns.

I kept picturing little kids playing a game in a big field of rye. Thousands of kids, and nobody else around except me, and my job is to save them all from falling of the edge of the cliff. That’s all I’d do all day. I know its crazy, but it’s what I’d really like to be. Phoebe didn’t say anything for a while and then when she did it was “Daddy’s going to kill you”. I told her I didn’t give a damn. Then I got up to make a phone call to Mr Antolini, my English teacher at Elkton Hills. He lived in New York now because he took a new job at N.Y.U. As I left the room she shouted me back to tell me that she was having belching lessons from this girl at school.

Chapter 21 - Back to Phoebe

I got to the elevator, and their was a new operator who I didn’t know, so I convinced him I was visiting the Dicksteins who lived across the corridor to us. When I got to our place it was dark as hell, and I couldn’t turn any light on naturally. I had to be careful not to make a noise else I was busted. Phoebe wasn’t in her room. Then I remembered that she likes to stay in D.Bs room when he was away in Hollywood. She was fast asleep in his bed; kids always look nice when there sleeping, unlike adults. I read through some of her school books, they had “Phoebe Weatherfield Caulfield” written all over them, even though her middle name is Josephine.

Anyway, I woke her up and she was very pleased to see me. We started chewing the fat for a bit. I gave her the pieces of the record I bough for her. She kept them; she’s not ungrateful at all. She’s not a stupid kid old Phoeb and she knew I was home early. I told her they let us out early, but she wasn’t having any of it. She realized that I’d been kicked out again and kept saying dad was going to kill me. She wouldn’t listen when I was trying to tell her bout getting kicked out, and she put her head under a pillow and wouldn’t come out.

I got up and went out in the living room and got some cigarettes out of the box on the table and stuck some in my pocket. I was all out.

Chapter 20 - Central Park and Back Home

I stayed in the bar and got drunk. I sat there till about one o’clock or so, getting drunk as a bastard. I started that stupid business with the bullet in my guts again. I left and stumbled over to a phone booth. I thought I would give Jane a buzz, but by the time I got there I didn’t feel like ringing Jane, I was to drunk I guess. So what I did was, I gave old Sally Hayes a buzz. We didn’t have much of a conversation, my fault; I was to drunk to even understand. After a bit we both hung up and I stayed in the booth for a while holding onto he phone so I wouldn’t pass out, I wasn’t feeling too good.

So, I thought I’d walk to the duck pond in Central Park to see if the ducks were still around. As I just got into the park I dropped Phoebes goddam record, it broke into about 50 pieces. I damn near cried, it made me feel so terrible. I didn’t jus leave the pieces though, I picked them all up and put them in my pocket. They wasn’t any good but I didn’t want to just leave them.

I must have been drunker than I thought because I couldn’t find the lagoon. When I finally found it, it was half frozen and half not and there were no ducks in sight. I was shivering like hell, I had little chunks of ice on the back of my head. I thought I might get pneumonia and die. I started to imagine the mob that would come to my funeral. It’d be just like Allies funeral with all the aunts and what not coming over. I wasn’t at Allies funeral though, just like he wont be at mine, because I was still at the hospital because of my hand.
Anyway, when the weathers nice m parents go and put a bunch of flowers on Allies grave. I used to go but I cut it out. It wasn’t too bad when the weather was nice but when it rained and everybody rushed to their cars to put the radio and heater on to got somewhere nice for dinner. Goddam crappy people.

I wanted to speak to Phoebe, so I decided to risk going home. My parents would be asleep so I could sneak in and out without them knowing. So I got the hell out of the park, and went home. I walked all the way. It wasn’t too far and I wasn’t tires or even drunk anymore. It was just very cold and nobody around anywhere.

Chapter 19 - Old Carl Luce

The Wicker Bar is in the Seton hotel, in case you don’t know. I used to go there quite a lot but ive gradually cut it out. Its full of phonies. It was pretty crowded when I got there, I had a couple of Scotch and sodas before old Luce showed up.

Old Luce. What a guy. He was supposed to be my student advisor when I was at Whooton, but all he ever did was talk about sex, flits and lesbians. He knew every goddam flit and lesbian in the goddam states. Hes not bad old Luce, he quite phoney but hes not like the rest. I used to think he was abit flitty, I still liked him though.

Anyway we got talking, and ended up on the subject of sex. He always used to want to talk about it, but he seemed really sore when I wanted to talk about it. He seemed to have really grown up since I last saw him, what a goddam phoney. He said I need psychoanalyzing, like hell I do. I asked him if he’d ever been psychoanalyzed on account of his father and all. He said it was never necessary. He said he was leaving, so I asked him just to stay for one more drink. He wouldn’t thought, so off he went.

Chapter 18 - Radio City

I felt sort of hungry so I went and got a Swiss cheese and malted. I thought about giving Jane a buzz, so I did. But she didn’t answer. So I hung up.i gave old Carl Luce a buzz, he was 3 years older than me, I didn’t like him much, but I wanted to speak to somebody. We made plans to meet for a drink at around 10. I had a lot of time to kill so I went to see a movie at Radio City. It was probably the worst thing I could have done. The Rockettes’ Christmas stage show was on. It was so phoney.

Then the picture started. It was another phoney thing about love and all things like that. Boring as hell. I would tell you about it, but I might puke. The lady sat next to me cried al the way through the goddam lousy picture. The phonier it got…the more she cried. She had a little kid with her who was bored as hell and he wanted to go to the bathroom, but she just ignored him. It kills me when you see someone cry there eyes out over something as phoney as that and 9 times out of 10 their heartless bastards.

After it had finished I started to walk over to the Wicker Bar, where I was meeting Carl Luce. I started to think about the war. I couldn’t go to war, id rather be shot or sit on top of an atom bomb. Im sort of glad they’ve got the atomic bomb invented. If there’s ever another war, im going to sit right the hell on top of it. Ill volunteer for it, I swear to God I will.

Chapter 17 - Andover Moron

I went to meet Sally at the Biltmore Hotel. She looked really nice, when she arrived, shes always goddam late, but she was worth it. We horsed around a little in the cab on the way down. I told her I loved her, I didn’t mean it, but I meant it when I said it.
We went in and sat down. The couple in it were good, I have to admit it. But I didn’t like them much. After the first act we went out with al the other jerks for a cigarette. Sally saw this boy she thought she knew, she always knew someone from somewhere. The jerk noticed her after a while and came over to say hello, he was from Andover. It really irritated me, they were flirting like mad. The goddam moron stayed with us the rest of the night.
Sally had an idea to all go skating. So we did. When we got there they gave Sally this tiny little dress to wear. She kept walking in front so I could seen how good her butt looked in it, it did look damn good thought, ill have to admit. I started to rant about all the goddam phonies ad my schools and in New York. Then all of a sudden I got this crazy idea that me and Sally should run away together away from society and live together in our own little cabin in Vermont. I got really excited about the idea. But Sally didn’t like the idea, she said it wouldn’t work. I started to get upset and annoyed. We started to argue and things were getting well out of control. I didn’t mean to but I called her a royal pain in the ass, that really upset her and I tried to say sorry but she just wouldn’t listen. Boy did I regret saying that. Things were awkward so I give back my skates, put on my shoes and left.

Chapter 16 - Little Shirley Beans

I wasn’t meeting Sally until 2 o clock so I started taking a long walk. I couldn’t stop thinking about the nuns and their crumby suitcases and baskets. I started walking over to Broadway, just for the hell of it, I hadn’t been over there in years. I wanted to find a record store anyway to get Phoebe a record called ‘Little Shirley Beans’. It was very hard to get. It was about a little kid who wouldn’t go out of the house because of her 2 front teeth were out and she was ashamed to. I really wanted to get it for her. I love phoebe, she’s only ten and she’s amazing. She understands anything I talk to her about.
There was this family walking in front of me, you could tell they had just been to church. A mum, a dad and a kid. The kid looked swell. They all looked sort of poor but they were a real family. The kid was singing ‘If a body catch a body coming through the rye.’ He had a pretty little voice, it made me happy. The first stored I went in had the record, they charged me 5 bucks for it because it was so hard to get, but I didn’t care, it made me happy all of a sudden I couldn’t wait to give it to Phoebe. When I came out of the store I thought Id give Jane a buzz and see if she was home for vacation yet, but her mother answered so I hung up. Im not too crazy about talking to girls mothers on the phone.
I went to get the theatre tickets for me and Sally. I bought 2 orchestra sears for I Know My Love. It was a benefit performance or something. Phoney Sally would love it.
I went to look for Phoebe in the park, she often roller skated there on Sundays. I asked a young girl is she knew Phoebe and she said yeah, and that she was on a museum trip. I told the kid it was Sunday though and she replied “Oh. Then she isn’t”. Even thought phoebe wasn’t there I went over to the museum. I like it there, The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. The only thing that’s different is you. I didnt end up going in though, I probly would have if Phoebs was there.

Chapter 15 - Sally and Nuns

The next day I called Sally Hayes and made a date for that afternoon. I wasn’t too crazy about her, but I’d known her for years. She was sort of phoney. I checked out of that crappy hotel and put my bags in a locker at Grand Central Station. I counted my money while I was in the cab. I didn’t have that much left. Im a goddam spendthrift at heart. What I don’t spend, I lose. It drives my parent crazy. My dads a corporation lawyer, he really hauls it in. he invests it in shows on Broadway, they always flop though and it drives my mother crazy when he does it. She hasn’t felt to well though since Allie died. She gets very nervous. That’s another reason why I hated like hell for her to know I got the ax again.
Anyway, I went into a little sandwich bar and had breakfast. I had quite a large breakfast for me. Whilst I was eating two nuns came in with suitcases and all, I guessed they was moving to another convent or something. They had those very in-expensive looking suitcases, the ones that arnt genuine leather or anything. It isn’t important I know but I hate it when somebody has cheap suitcases. One of them dropped a straw basket, one that you collect dough in at Christmas time. I picked it up for her. They were only having toast and coffee for their breakfast, it depressed the hell outta me. I gave them ten bucks as a contribution to their collection. They kept asking if I could afford it. We talked about Romeo and Juliet. After a while they said they best be going and I did the worst thing I could have done. I blew smoke in their faces as we were saying bye. I apologised like a madman. They were very understanding about it, but it was embarrassing anyway.
When they left I started to feel like I should have given them more than I did. Goddam money, it always ends up making you feel blue as hell.

Chapter 14 - Maurice Returns

After Sonny left I sat in the chair and just smoked. It was starting to get light outside. Boy. I felt miserable. I started thinking about Allie and the time I wouldn’t let him come and play with me and Bobby down by Lake Sedebego with are BB guns. I always think about that time when im depressed as hell. So, I went to bed, I felt like praying, but the thing is I cant always just do it. In sort of an atheist, I like Jesus and all but I don’t care much about the other crap in the bible. Anyway I didn’t end up praying, I couldn’t, I kept thinking about old Sunny calling me a crumb-bum.
I heard a knock at the door. I didn’t answer cos’ I was in my pyjamas. But they didn’t go, so I got up and opened the door. It was Maurice along with Sunny demanding another 5 bucks. I wasn’t going to give it them, Maurice told me 5 not 10, and we didn’t even have sex. Maurice started getting violent and all. He pinned me up against the wall and Sunny took it from my wallet. All of a sudden I started to cry, id give anything if I hadn’t, but I did. Sunny told old Maurice to leave me alone cos’ they had the money. They were about to leave when the sonuva bitch snapped his fingers on my pyjamas, I wont tell you where but it hurt like hell. I started insulting him. He really didn’t like it. Then he smacked me, I didn’t try to duck or anything I just took it. All I felt was a terrific punch in my stomach. I started pretending I was in a movie getting revenge on old Maurice. It killed me. The goddam movies. They can ruin you. I’m not kidding.
It took me a while to get to sleep – I wasn’t even tired – but I finally did. What I really felt like was committing suicide, I felt like jumping outta the goddam window. I would have done as well if somebody would have covered me up as soon as I landed. I didn’t wasn’t a bunch of stupid rubbernecks looking at me when I was all gory.

Chapter 13 - Maurice and Sonny

I walked all the way back to the hotel. Forty one gorgeous blocks. I put my hunting hat on. I coulda done with my gloves, it was goddam cold as hell, but some sonuvabitch stole them at Pencey, I wish I knew who’d stolen them. I probly wouldn’t have done anything though even if I knew – im very yellow that way. Anyway I got in the elevator back up to my room. I didn’t feel much like sticking round that crappy lobby, I wall really depressed and all, I almost wish I was dead, I really did. The elevator guy asked me if I was interested in a good time. I didn’t know what he was talking about at first. He meant a goddam prostitute for the night. I couldn’t believe him, did I look like the sorta guy who was up for a good time right at that moment?
He said it was 5 bucks a throw and 15 till noon. I said Ok, I don’t know why though, I was depressed as hell. I wasn’t even thinking. A bit later when id changed and all a young girl arrived, too young if you ask me. Her name was Sonny and she was about my age – my real age. I didn’t feel like sleeping with her, you would tell she as really scared. It made me feel sad as hell that somebody as young as her did this crappy thing for money, it really did upset me. So what I did was, I told her I was recovering from an operation on my “clavichord”. That killed me. So I gave her the 5 and asked her to leave, she said it was 10, but I didn’t give in. So she put her green dress back on and left.

Sonnet.

She was the type of girl who knocked me out
I could trust her with anything, no doubt
You don’t horse around with a girl like her
The smile, the laugh, the perfect figure.

She always kept her kings on the back row
She was a safe player, I’ll have you know
The first time I saw her, I knew she was right
She ran through my head the rest of that night.

So, I thought love was what we had goin' on
My heart was broken like a goddam crayon
Stradlater thought of giving her the time
I knew Jane wouldn’t commit to that crime

Little old Jane, I just want you to know
No matter what happens I wont let go.

Chapter 12 - Lillian Simmons

The cab I got was one of those crappy vomity smelling ones, you know the sort. I always get them, I really do. There was hardly anyone around the streets. Except for a couple all loved up with their arms round each other and all that carp. It killed me. The streets of New York are really very lonely. It’s a very depressing place to be when your on your own.
Anyway I struck up a conversation with the driver. His name was Horwitz. We got talking and I asked the question I ask most people – weather he happened to know where the ducks go in winter. Well, that was a mistake. He started getting all sore about the matter, you know really getting aggressive. I only bloody asked him a simple question. Miserable bastard. He started changing it around to the fish, and that the fish just stay there, I didn’t even mention the goddam fish for chrissake.
So, I arrived at Ernies. It was jam-packed, that place always bloody is. It was full of prep school jerks and those college jerks. Ernie was playing the piano, he wasn’t even that good. You should’ve heard the crowd when he finished, you would have puked. They were going crazy! You know like those morons that laugh like hyenas at the movies when its not even funny.
They finally got me a stinking table. I couldn’t see a thing from where I was sat, its always the way though in a place like that. I ordered a scotch and soda, its my favourite drink, next to frozen Daiquiris. They never asked for ID in Ernies, they didn’t care if you were 6 or 60 they still served you alcohol.
All of a sudden a girl came up to me. She said she knew my brother D.B. She was asking how he was and all that boring crap, pretending she cared. She was called Lillian Simmons Nobody liked her much, I mean you could tell for a start that the waiters didn’t like her, she stopped in the middle of the walkway so nobody could get past. She had to block up the whole goddam traffic. I don’t think the boy she was with liked her that much either. She asked me if I wanted to join them at their table, I didn’t want to so I had to leave, I told her I was going to meet somebody. So we said our byes then she went back. Me and the Navy lad she was knocking around with said we was glad to have met each other. That killed me. The way you always say your glad to have met someone, and you not glad at all.
So then I had to leave. It makes me extremely mad the way people are always ruining things for you.

Chapter 11 - Jane Gallagher

When I was on my way out to the lobby I got old Jane Gallagher on the brain again. Once she was on I could never get her off. So I sat down in the lobby, and thought about her and Stradlater sitting in that goddam car – I was pretty damn sure old Stradlater hadn’t given her the time. I know Jane like a book.
So, I was thinking about how I first met Jane, and how we nearly got close to necking one time. Every time I thought about her and Stradlater it drove me crazy. I don’t even like to talk about it if you want the truth.
I wasn’t tired or anything so I went upstairs to get my coat. Then I caught a cab to Ernies, a nightclub where D.B used to go a lot, before he went to Hollywood and prostituted himself.

Chapter 10 - Lavender Room

I changed my shirt and went down to the Lavender room, it was the nightclub in the crumby pervert filled place. I thought about giving Phoebe a buzz but I knew my parents would answer so I just carried on changing and went downstairs. It was pretty empty except from a few pimpy looking guys and some whory looking blondes. I ordered a Scotch and soda, but the waiter refused to serve me alcohol. So I just had a coke.
I started giving three witches at the next table the eye. I asked them if they cared to dance. I danced with each one in turn, one of them could really move, but the others weren’t much good. They were all obsessed with movie stars, which annoyed the hell outta me. Anyway they didn’t seem that interested in me and they said they were leaving, so I paid for their drinks and they left.
I left not long after them. There isn’t a night club in the world you can sit in for a long time unless you can at least buy some liquor and get drunk. Or unless your with some girl who really knocks you out.

Chapter 9 - Edmont Hotel

I got off at Penn Station. I went to a phone booth, I felt like giving somebody a buzz. I thought about a girl I used to go around, Sally Hayes, I knew her Christmas vacation had started already. But I knew her mother would and answer, she said I was wild and had no direction in life, so I decided not to. Besides it was much too late.
I checked in at the Edmont Hotel. Id put my hunting hat on when I was in the cab just for the hell of it. They gave me this goddam crappy room, I was to depressed to care though. That hotel was lousy with perverts, men dressing in womens clothing, men and women taking turns at squirting water at each other out of their mouths. Im probably the biggest sex maniac you every saw but I was probably the only normal bastard in the place. I think if you really like a girl you shouldn’t horse around with her. So you don’t spoil it. Sex is something I really don’t understand too hot. I swear to god I don’t.
I decided to ring up this girl a guy from Princeton told me about. She wasn’t a whore or anything but she didn’t mind doing it once in a while. Anyway she wouldn’t come on account of the time and all, so I left it.

Chapter 8 - Mrs Morrow

So, I left Pencey Prep. I walked the whole way to the station, it wasnt too far. It was cold as hell out, I didnt mind though, I sort of enjoy the air-its fresh an pure. I didnt have to wait long for the train. I don’t mind train rides, especially at night with the lights on and the windows black. Anyway, a lady got on at Trenton Station and sat down next to me. She was around 45 I guess, but she was very good looking. Women kill me. They really do. Im not over-sexed or anything-I am quite sexy though. I just like them.
She noticed the crumby Pencey sticker on my bag. She said her son went to Pencey, Ernest Morrow. I told her I knew him and that he was in my class. He was the biggest moron that ever went to Pencey, but I didn’t tell her that – of course. I told her my name was Rudolf Schmidt. I didn’t feel like giving her my whole life story. Rudolf Schmidt was the janitor of our dorm. I started shooting the old crap around about Ernest.
I asked her if she fancied a cocktail in the club car, I was in the mood for one myself. I told her I could usually get them because of my height and all my gray hair. She still refused though, the club car was closed anyway it was late. She asked why I was going home before break started. So I lied. Again. I told her I had to have an operation, only a minor one to remove a tiny tumor, on the brain. She seemed really worried for me. She was getting of at Newark. She invited me to visit Ernest in the holidays. But I just thanked her and told her I was going to South America with my grandmother. Another lie.

Chapter 7 - Leaving Pencey

I went through the shower curtain and asked whether he was awake. He was - and yeah, he did hear us. He sat up in bed with a very white face, the cream for all his goddam crappy spots. I couldnt find the light, which I really needed on. He kept asking why I wanted the light on, that really annoyed me, he was always askin why why why!!
He asked what the fight was about, I just said long story. I asked if i could stay in Ely's - he was away for the weekend. Anyway Ackley kept on asking about this goddam lousy fight me and Stradlater had. I told him it was about him, that really got him going. I told him I was kidding though. So I went over and got onto Ely's bed. I couldnt stop thinking about Jane and just what hapened in Ed Banky's car. Boy did it get on my nerves, I was going insane just thinking about all the things Stradlater could have tried to do to her, or did to her!
I woke Ackley up to take my mind of Jane. I asked him about joining a monastery, he wasnt to pleased. I got up from Ely's bed and started toward the door, I couldnt stand staying in that crappy atmosphere any longer. I gave Ackley a big phoney handshake and left.
Everybody was asleep or at home for the weekend. I didnt want to hang around Pencey anymore, you know just waiting 'til Wednesday for the big goodbye, after all theres no putting of what you know is going to happen. So I got my things together and counted my dough. I was pretty loaded, my Grandmother sent me some money about a week before and shes quite lavish with her money. She sends me birthday money 4 times a year, shes not got all her marbles anymore.
I went down the corridor and asked Frederick Woodruff how much he would give me for my typewriter I lent him, he was a pretty wealthy guy. I could tell he didnt really want it, but I managed to get twenty outta him.

I put my hunting hat on and took a long last look down the corridor of Pencey Prep. 'Sleep tight, ya morons!' I shouted, i'll bet that woke every goddam moron on the whole floor up.

Chapter 6 - Stradlater Returns

I could hear Stradlaters footsteps coming down the corridor towards are room. I cant remember where I was sat exactly, I might have been at the window, or sat in one of the chairs, I swear I really cnt remember. Anyway as soon as he came in the cheeky moron read the composition that i'd written for him and started moaning. He said id wrote it about the wrong goddam thing, I told him it was the only things I could really describe. He still took the mick, so I took it off him and ripped it up. Stradlater hates me smoking in the room, so I had a cigarette on the bed. It drove him crazy if you broke any rules.
He wouldnt tell me anything about his date with Jane, it was driving me mad. We ended up having a bit of a fight. He hates being called a moron, so I called it him alot. He gave me a right good old nose bleed for it though. When he saw my face and realised what he'd done, I guess he started to panic becuase he was telling me to go and wash my face and clear up, scared he might get into trouble or something.
I thought old Ackley might have heard us arguing, so I went through to see what he was doing.

Chapter 5 - The Composition

We always had steak on a Saturday night for dinner. I'd bet anything it was because on Sunday if anybodys parents visited, and they asked what their child had for dinner last night, they could say steak. Ha. You couldnt even call it steak. It was one of those little dry jobs you could hardly even cut. They would serve it with very lumpy mashed potatoes, with Brown Betty for dessert, which nobody evet ate. Except the younger ones in lower school, oh and guys like old Ackley kid that ate anything.

The whole place was covered with 3 inches of snow when we came out of the dining room, so we all started throwing snowballs and horsing around all over the goddam place. One of my friends, Mal Brossard decided we'd take a bus into Agerstown and get a burger and maybe go see a film. I asked whether he minded Ackley coming, he never did much on Saturday nights. Mal wasnt to crazy aboutt he idea but he said yes anyway.

When we was back later on in the evening, Ackley sat in my room, just for a change. All he did was keep talking in this very monotonous voice about some babe he was supposed to have had the summer before. This was about the 100th time i'd heard this. I told him he'd have to go because I was going to write a composition for Stradlater, and I needed to concentrate. He finally went. I put my pajamas and bathrobe on and my old hunting hat, and strated to write. The thing was, I couldnt seem to think of anything to write about. So, I though i'd write about Allies baseball mitt, I had alot to say about that. It was a very descriptive subject. My brother Allie had this left-handed fielders mitt. He was left-handed. The thing that I could really describe was the poems he had written all over it, in green ink. He wrote them on so he wouldnt get bored when he was in the field and nobody was up to bat. He's dead now though, he had leukemia and died when we were up in Maine on July 18, 1946.
He was two years younger than me, but about 50 times as intelligent, we would always get letters home from his school saying what a pleasure it was having him in their class. He never got mad, even though people with red hair are supposed to get mad very easily, Allie never did, and he had very red hair.

I was only 13 when he died. They were going to have me psychoanalyzed and all, because I broke all the windows in the garage. I dont blame them. I really dont. I slept in the garage the night he died, and I broke them all with my goddam fist, just for the hell of it. I hardly didn't even know I was doing it, and you didn't know Allie. My hand still hurts, when it rains and all, and I can't make a real fist anymore- not a tight one. I don't care much. I mean I'm not going to be a goddam surgeon or a violinists or anything anyway.

It took me about an hour to write it because of Stradlaters lousy typewrite, it kept jamming. I wouldnt have took me that long if I used mine instead of lending it to a guy a few doors down. I looked outta the window for a while when i'd done. It wasnt really snowing anymore but every once in a while you could still hear a car not being able to get started. I could hear old Ackley snoring. Boy, that guy had just about everything wrong with him, Sinus trouble, pimples, lousy teeth, halitosis, crumby fingernails. You had to feel a little sorry for the crazy sonuvabitch.

Chapter 4 - Stradlater and Jane

Everybody was still down at the game, and I had nothing on so I followed Stradlater into the can whilst he had a shave. Boy, it was hot as hell in that place, the windows had all steamed up. There was 10 washbowls against the walls, Stradlater took the middle and I sat down on the one next to him, and fiddled with the taps turning them on and off - its a nervous habit I have. Stradlater was whistling 'Song of India' while he was shaving. He had one of those goddam piercing whistles that are practically never in tune, he could really mess up any song.
Stradlater was one of those secret slobs, he always looked alright when he'd gotten ready, but if you seen the things he used, for instance his razor. His gpddam crappy little razor. He never cleaned it, it was full of lather and hairs and all that crap. He thought he was the most handsome guy in the Western Hemisphere, he was quite handsome I must admit. He was the type that when your parents opened the yearbook they'd say 'Who's this boy?'.

Anyway, we was still sat at the washbowl and Stradlater was stil shaving, I was sort of turning the water on and off still. I was still wearing the red hunting hat, with the peak at the back. Stradlater asked me for a big favour, he wanted me to right him a composition for English, which was quite ironical, as I was the one who was flunking out of the place. He said just do a descriptive as hell peice about anything. I didnt answer.

I got bored sat at the washbowl, so I got up and started tap dancing, just for the hell of it. It was quite amusing. I cant really tap dance or anything, but the stone floor in the can was good for a try. I started to immitate one of the guys from the movies, you know those phoney musicals. I hate movies, their like poison, but I get a huge bang out of imitating them. Old Stradlater was laughing at me, he had quite a good sense of humour. I was getting out of breathe so I quit horsing around. I took my hat off and looked at it for about the nineteenth time. He asked me again, will do this goddam composition for him. I said if I have time I will, and if I don’t I won’t.

I asked him who his date was. He wouldnt tell me at first, but he said she told him she knew me. I asked him what her name is, he said 'Uh. Jean Gallagher' Boy I nearly dropped dead when he said those words. He actually ment Jane Gallagher. I liked her alot, she was one of the very few that wasnt phoney. I wanted to go and say hi, but I get very nervous and shy. So I told Stradlater to give me regards. I knew he wouldnt.

He put my hounds-tooth jacket on, I warned him not to stretch, 'cos I'd only worn it a few times. He put his cigs in his coat pocket - my coat pocket. Then he left.

I sat there for about half an hour after he left. I mean I just sat in my chair, not doing anything. i kept thinking about Jane, and about Stradlater having a date with her and all. It made me so goddam nervous, I nearly went crazy. I already told you what a sexy bastard Stradlater was.
Ackley barged back in again throught the shower curtain, Boy i'd never been so glad to see him in all my life, he took my mind of everything else. He stayed 'til around dinner time, moaning about the guys at Pencey, and how much he hated their guts. He was squeezing a pimple on his chin. He wasnt even using a handkerchief, I dont even think the dirty bastard even owned one, and if he did I never saw him using it.

Chapter 3 - Ackley Interupting

Im the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life! I told old Spencer I had to got and get my equipment ans stuff from the gym, I dont even keep my goddam equipment in the goddam gym!
Anyway at Pencey I lived in the Ossenburger Memorial Wing in the new dorms. Only for the juniors and seniors and all. I was a junior and my roommate was a senior. It was named afta this guy Ossenburger that went to Pencey a few years back and he made a pot of dough when he got out. He could get members of your family buried for about five bucks a head, keep him in mind if your ever in need. You shudda seen him, he probably shoves them in a sack and dumps them in the nearest river. Anyway so he gave Pencey a pile of dough and they named my wing after him. Pretty sad. I know. He would arrive in this big goddam Cadillac, and everybody had to stand up and give him a locomotive- thats a cheer. He always gave these Speechs that lasted about 10 hours. He would crack a few jokes, just to show us all what a regular guy he really was. Then he'd start on how we should think of Jesus as our buddy and all that crap. Right in the middle of this speech, when he was telling us what a swell guy he was, what a hot-shot and all, this guy sitting in the row infront of me, Edgar Marsalla, let of this terrific fart! It was a crude thing to do in a chapel and all, but it was quite amusing! Boy! Was old Thurmer sore about that!

It was pretty nice to get back to my room after seeing old spencer, because everybody was still down at the game. The heat was on FOR A CHANGE! It was sort of cosy in a way. I took my things off and put on this hat that u bought in New York that morning. A red hunting hat, with a very long peak. I started to read this book Out of Africa- Isak Dinesen. It wasnt what I chose though, the library gave it me by mistake. I only managed to read a few pages before old Ackley interupted AGAIN! Old Robert Ackley, he must barge in about eighty-five times a day! He was probably the only huy that wasnt down at the game, except me. He was one of these veryy tall round-shouldered guys, about six four, with very lousy teeth. God. I hated his teeth, all the time ive known him at Pencey ive never once seen him brush his goddam teeth!

I could feel him standing on the shower ledge, right behind my chair. "Hi" he said, he always made it out like he was bored or tired or something, anything to make it look like he wasnt jus visiting you. He was looking around to see if Stradlater was in. He hated Stradlaters guts, he hated everybodys guts, damn near. He came in and walked around for a while picking practically everything I own. He really gets on you nerves sometimes. I liked to call him "Ackley kid". He always said I was the kid though, becuase I was 16 and he was 18, and he never let me goddam forget it. He hated it, everybody called it him. When he gets married, if he ever does, I beth his own wife will call him "Ackley". He always picked up this picture of this girl I used to go around with in New York, Sally Hayes. He must of looked at that same picture about a thousand times. Everything he picked up, he would always put it back in the wrong goddam place, on PURPOSE!

He asked me if he could borrow the scissors. So I let him. I thought maybe that would keep him quiet. But he still carried on, about who Stradlaters date was. He was always keeping tabs on who he was dating, even though he hated his guts. His toe-nails were flying all round the goddam place. I had to tell him to cut them over the table twice.

Old Stradlater then barged in, in a big hurry, hes always rushing. He came over and gave me these two playful as hell on both cheeks, very annoying. He asked to borrow my hounds-tooth jacket, it was only half way through the game and him and his date were leaving. Ackley and Stradlater said the bear minimum to each other.

Chapter 2 - Old Spencer

I was on my way to say goodbye to Old Spencer aswell, he had the grippe. I forgot to mention that. They kicked me out, and I wasnt supposed to be coming back after Christmas vacation. When I got to Spencers house I rang that doorbell as fast as I could! I was freezing! Mrs Spencer opened the door 'Holden' she said ' Hiw lovely to see you!' I think she might have been just a little glad to see me. We had a little chat, you know the usually how are you and all that bull. She asked me how i'd been, i could tell straight away old Spencer'd told her id been kicked out. Anyway she directed me to Spencers room. They each had their own room and all. Both around 70 years old, and they still got a bang out of things. That sounds mean to say, but I dont mean it mean. I thought about old Spencer quite alot, he was all stooped over and had very terrible posture. In class whenever he dropped a peice of chalk at the blackboard, some guy in the front row always had to get out of his seat to pick it up and hand it back to him. Poor old sod. If you ask my opinion I think thats awful! Me and a few of the guys were round there one Sunday for hot chocolate, old Spencer decided he would show us a tatty Navajo blanket that he bought off some Indian in Yellowstone Park once, you could tell he got a big band out of buying it. His door was open, but me being me decided to knock anyway, jus to be polite and all. He was sat in the Navajo blanket! All wrapped up, well it was the middle of winter right? He was reading the Atlantic Monthly, and everything smelt like Vicks Nose Drops. Pretty depressing if you ask me. He had his tatty old bathrobe on, which looked like he was born in it or something. I hate seeing old guys in their pyjamas. With their bumpy old chests poking out. Near enough as soon as I sat down, on he mentioned me leaving. I told him about Dr Thurmer telling me life was a game and all. Spencer agreed, he said life is a game and I should play it accoring to the rules. Game!, Ha my ass. Maybe the hot-shots play it like a game, but the other side, where there arent any hot shots its a different story then. He asked how my parents would take the news. I said they'd be irritated, they'd be more than irritate! As Pencey was the third school i'd been kicked out from. I dont know whether you noticed but I have lousy vocabulary, probly because I act young for my age.I'm borded of people telling me to act my age, especially my father. I don't give a damn! Sometimes i act alot older than I am- I really do- it's not like anyone notices. People never notice. Spencer started nodding, he does that an awful lot. You never knew if he was nodding alot because he was thinking and all, or just because he was a nice old guy who couldnt tell his wotsit from his elbow! We got onto the subjects I carried, and how I was failing four out of five-only passing in english. Spencer told me why he failed me in History-because I knew absolutley nothing and all. He played a dirty trick on me. He asked me to pass him my exam paper from the chiffonier. Boy, you cant imagine how sorry i was getting that I'd stopped by to say good-bye. He started holding the paper as if it was a turd or something. I had to sit and listen while he read the crap essay, if you could call it an essay. He asked me what i would have done in his situation, and you could tell buy his face that he felt lousy about fluking me. So i shot the bull for a while, I told him i was a real moron and all that crap. I told him how i would've done the same thing if I'd been in his place, and how most people didnt appreciate how tought it is being a teacher. You know that kind of bull. The funny thing is, all the time I was sort of thinking about something else while I shot the bull. I was thinking about the lagoon in Central Park, New York-its where I live, about whether it would be frozen over when I got home, and if it was, where did the ducks go. Does some guy in a truck come and take them to the zoo. Or do they just fly?

Chapter 1 - Pencey Prep

Pencey Prep, Agerstown, Pennsylvania, what a phoney place. Since 1888, we have been molding boys into splendid, clear-thinking young men, what aload of bull. All those goddam phoney adverts they show, with a hot-shot guy on a horse jumping the fence. Its all goddam lies at that place. Thers never been a horse anywhere near the place!!
Anyway, it was the day of the game with Saxon Hall, which was considered to be a very big deal around old Pencey. It was the last game of the year. Anyway it was around 3 o clock or something and I was on the top of Thomsen Hill, with that crazy cannon that they used in the Revolutionary War and all. You could hear all the excitement from the on lookers, especially Pencey students, practically the whole school was their, except me of course. There wasnt many from Saxon Hall, the visiting team hardly ever brought many people with them. Old Selma Thurmur showed up a few times, shes the headmasters daughter. She wasnt exactly the type that drove you mad with desire, but she was a nice girl and all. She had a big nose and bleedy looking nails.
Thomsen Hill, the reason I was all the way up there was because I'd jus arrived back from New York with the fencing team. We got back early. My fault. We went in to New York that morning for a meet with McBurney school, we didnt have the meet though, me being the goddam idiot that I am left all the foils and equipment and stuff on the goddam subway. They didnt half take the mick. Anyway we arrived back at around 2 thirty instead of around dinner time.

My Life....

Well, here I am. All alone, in my room. I hate this goddam place. Booted outta Pencey for not "applying" myself. My life's a shambles. I'm Stuck with this goddam crappy TB, they say im really ill. Pencey, thats the cause of this! I'm pleased they got rid of me, full of phoneys that place, got right on my nerves. Not everybody though, old Spencer was OK, he was my history teacher, another goddam subject i failed. I payed him a visit before I left. He had grippe, poor old Spencer.
My brother D.B, writes the best goddam stories you'll ever read. Hes in Hollywood now though, prostituting his talents for all the goddam phoney movies. I hate them.